Deborah King, Author at Deborah King

MILEY CYRUS IN VANITY FAIR

Is Miley Cyrus following in the footsteps of Britney, Paris, and Vanessa Hudgins by posing for provocative photos that circulated on the Internet last week, as well as those from a suggestive Vanity Fair photo shoot in which she’s wrapped in a satin sheet and appears to be nude?

To our tweens and teenagers, it must seem like this kind of behavior is a winner. Kids know it’s unlikely that the photo shoot, especially by someone as stellar as Annie Leibovitz,will throw a monkey wrench in Miley’s career. After all, hardly anyone had ever heard of Paris Hilton before her sex tape, and Britney’s posing without her panties hasn’t hurt her either. The truth is, and kids know it, release of these photos may actually throw her career into overdrive. Miley has apologized and said she’s “embarrassed” about the whole affair.

Miley’s embarrassment and apology offer parents a great opportunity to discuss with their kids the pros and cons of posting photos to social network sites. The Vanity Fair photos are actually tame compared to what some girls post without their parents knowledge. I recently had a workshop participant whose 11-year-old daughter had herself videoed in a bra, draped over a sports car, and posted it to her MySpace page. While kids are savvier about technology than their parents, they aren’t emotionally mature yet and don’t have a clue about the consequences: they don’t realize that a photo can come back to haunt them when they’re trying to get a job or applying for college, or worse, being stalked by an online predator.

I urge parents to treat their children responsibly, rather than handing down a decree. Use Miley’s experience to open a discussion about what’s a good idea long-term, about privacy, about the risk of online predators. Ask your teen to consider “could this be bad news for me later?” Start a conversation with your teen rather than trying to police them.

Just as with alcohol and drugs, parents need to load up their kids with ammunition to understand that when they communicate on sites like MySpace and FaceBook, they are communicating to the world.

We all instinctively know the difference between a photo that sends a message of youthful life and vitality vs. photos that sexualize a child, as does the Vanity Fair shot. I would certainly question the photographer’s judgment; posing a 15 year old in a sheet is going to send a sexual message that conflicts with the squeaky clean image more appropriate to her age. When People magazine did a survey, 77% thought the photos were inappropriate for a girl her age. In our country, where recent statistics demonstrate that sexual abuse of girls is approaching 60% and boys 45%, it would seem smart to err on the side of caution and encourage our kids be kids as long as possible.

ALL ABOUT AMBIEN

ALL ABOUT AMBIEN

May 5, 2008

The popular sleeping pill Ambien is a sedative and a hypnotic, causing relaxation and sleep. It affects chemicals in the brain that have become unbalanced, which results in insomnia. So Ambien sounds like a good solution, but how many people actually read all the little print that contains the warnings?

Ambien is not a good choice of sleep aid for anyone who drinks alcohol or has a history of addiction problems, even to cigarettes, because it’s so seriously addictive. It can become addictive in a very short time, even less than 10 days, and withdrawal symptoms, including rebound insomnia, can occur—the very thing you were trying to address in the first place.

It is frequently found in cases of driving under the influence, indicating abuse. It is also abused recreationally by those who force themselves to stay awake to experience vivid visuals and a mild euphoria and light-based hallucinations. Once a tolerance to the drug is reached, the sedation effect decreases and the euphoric side effects remain, along with increasing anxiety.

If mixed with alcohol or marijuana, the effects of Ambien effects are intensified. Nor is it a good choice if you’re dealing with depression. I urge people to try safer alternatives for sleep, like St. John’s wort, kava kava, or valerian, but not if you’re using Ambien, which reacts adversely with these popular sleep preparations as well as with many antidepressants and even with caffeine.

If we’re having trouble sleeping, it’s often because we’ve lost our connection to Mother Earth – so easy to do today in our fast-paced world of computers, artificial lighting, and freeway living. Before asking for a prescription, try getting more fresh air and sunshine (20 minutes a day of sun is a natural sleep aid) and exercise every day for a week to reconnect your body the natural world. Also consider drinking no caffeine after early morning, turning off the TV an hour before bedtime, and having the same sleep time every night. Nine times out of ten, this will address insomnia; if not, see a sleep expert. Menopause can also cause insomnia; if that’s the situation, see someone who can deal with the symptoms of menopause.

Leaving for San Angelo, TX, in the Morning

The Huffington Post

Posted April 21, 2008 | 07:27 PM (EST)

I’m leaving for San Angelo, TX, in the morning. I’ve got to see for myself the mothers in floor length pioneer dresses buttoned up the neck and down the wrist, all wearing the same pattern, their long-handled underwear peeking out, their uncut hair pulled up in a pompadour. I want to ask these young women what could possibly compel them to stand by and watch while their underage daughters are handed over to men old enough to be their grandfathers—men who already have any number of wives and a passel of children. Men who are often close relatives.

What has been pulled over these women’s eyes that they don’t see this as abuse? And what of the family practice that routinely subjects their male children to the “lost boys” fate? How do they feel when their young teenage sons are abducted in the middle of the night, taken out of the compound and dumped on a faraway roadside to fend for themselves? Do they not see this as barbaric? Does it not turn their stomachs the way it turns mine?

No doubt, these women have been subject to systematic victimization. Beaten down and into submission, they fear the patriarch and give up their own mind. They have a detached, eerie quality and all speak in little girl voices with a false sweetness. The fear of God and the patriarch have permanently shut them up. To a woman, these wives and mothers cannot look squarely at the camera. The truth is not to be told—that is the law of the land. When questioned by Larry King if underage girls are forced to marry older men, all the women gave the same stock response: “not that I’m aware of.”

But these women are also perpetrators; complicity is its own form of abuse. Carolyn Jessup is a former cult member and 6th generation polygamist. Refusing to take the complicit route, she took action instead. When she realized that her eldest daughter would be next in line for statutory rape under the guise of marriage she chose to escape. She gathered up her eight children and fled. Interviewed on TV during the custody hearings, she laid it on the line, saying: “Every mother is born with a protective instinct—these mothers know that it’s an unsafe environment.” Thank you, Carolyn for showing us the courage it takes to speak the truth and keep your children safe.

My father sexually abused me from age two until age twelve. Where was my mother? What caused her protective instinct to go belly up? Did she take any action to protect me? She did not, perhaps for the very same reasons the women in Texas don’t protect their own: expedience. Such inaction is, pure and simple, self-serving. A woman gives up her voice and her instinct to save herself, her position in the family and in the community.

The judge made the correct decision when she ruled that the state had enough evidence to justify taking custody of the children pending further investigation. If a mother’s instinct is not intact, a society must act. The safety of children is sacrosanct and must come first.

Between The Sheets in Texas, and Everywhere

The Huffington Post

Posted April 12, 2008 | 08:59 PM (EST)

There’s a “marriage” bed in a temple with rumpled sheets and a strand of female hair, which may well have belonged to a young girl forced to marry a much older man who probably already has any number of wives. And we’re horrified.

Should we be? Yes.

Should we be surprised? No. Not at all.

Polygamy, sexual relations with young children, and incestuous relations all have long historical roots in patriarchy. Brother/sister, father/daughter, and mother/son relationships were practiced among royalty during the Pharaonic and Ptolemaic periods in ancient Egypt. One well-known sibling spouse was Cleopatra. Ancient Greece elevated the practice of relations with young boys to an art. Going to our Judeo-Christian roots, the Old Testament reveals polygamy was not at all unusual. Abraham, Jacob, Esau, and David all had multiple wives. There was randy King Solomon, with his 700 wives (one of whom was his sister) and 300 concubines. Then there were Lot’s daughters, who each had sex with their father to ensure their lineage.

Later Christianity condoned polygamy at certain times. In 1650, the parliament at Nurnberg said that because so many men were killed in the Thirty Years’ War, every man was allowed to marry up to ten women. In Islam today, polygamy is allowed within the limit that men can only have up to four wives at any one time, as long as they can be equally well supported.

It’s no wonder that polygamy, as well as sex with relatives and young children, is a part of our cellular memory, passed down through the generations, in all cultures and at all levels of the socio-economic spectrum.

The raid on the Fundamentalist Church of Latter Day Saints compound in Eldorado, Texas, while bringing polygamy into media focus, also has the potential, according to ABC News, to “unravel what could be the country’s largest child abuse case in the nation’s history.”

But child abuse is hardly news, or new. It is certainly not only a splinter LDS group that forces young girls to have sexual relations. No one is immune. No child is safe.

The most frequently quoted incidence of childhood sexual abuse in the U.S. is one out of every three girls and one out of every five to seven boys, although it is acknowledged that many many cases are not reported because of secrecy and privacy, and the incidence may actually be at least 60 percent for girls and 45 percent for boys.

I know this all too well. Up until the time I was twelve years old, I was abused by my father, and by a priest at the Catholic school I attended.

I know what it can do to your life. In my case, it led to sexual promiscuity as a teen and young woman, addictions to alcohol and Valium, an eating disorder, and a variety of illnesses and allergies—all common when we’re trying to keep such potent information secret. It was only when I got cancer in my mid-twenties that I stopped running away and started bringing my awareness to the root cause of my difficulties—a long strenuous process that was well worth the effort.

The burden of shame that comes from incest (estimates from 1992 showed 20 million Americans had been the victims of parental incest as children) and childhood sexual abuse in general ruins the lives of both victims and perpetrators.

Those who experience sexual abuse, whether girls or boys, are prone to low self-esteem, trouble with relationships, sexual dysfunction, are three time more likely to suffer from depression, 6 times more likely to have post-traumatic stress disorder, 13 times more likely to abuse alcohol, 26 times more likely to abuse drugs. There is also a far greater risk of suicide.

Not a pretty picture.

The children from the Texas compound were psychologically imprisoned. Their abuse was not confined to sex; they were also beaten, brainwashed to be terrified of the outside world, given little education, and basically treated as possessions. The motto seems to have been that old throwback: Keep ‘em barefoot and pregnant from as early an age as possible. Their entry into the “outside” world will not be easy.

What can we do to bring this scourge out from under the sheets and into awareness? We can stop keeping it so secret. When we begin to expose the truth of what so many of us have experienced, when we develop compassion for both the victims and the perpetrators (who in almost all cases were abused themselves), we can start to heal.

As I crisscross the country, working with thousands of people at events where they share their secrets with me, I know that many of our addictions, our illnesses, and our crimes can be traced to the abuse we suffered as children. How different would our society be if we could remove the trance of shame that keeps childhood sexual abuse under cover? Would women, like those at the compound, stop accepting their place as second class citizens?

Would your daughter or son be safer, grow up happier and healthier?

I’d like to think so.

Truth & Politics – Dear Hillary

DEAR HILLARY
March 10, 2008

It’s time to take a good long look in the mirror—beyond the neatly pressed pantsuit—deep into the source of your current behavior. When you shake your finger at Obama, use sarcasm and other verbal weapons of aggression, and put out 3 a.m. ads based on fear, which Hillary is really speaking?

It’s the little girl who learned from her father that men are powerful and women are weak. And you certainly don’t want to look like a weak woman. Your dad was reputed to be not only verbally abusive, but also a “lady’s man,” much like the one you married—a man who showed his wife and family little respect. You honed the survival skills developed by many of us women: subterfuge, shrewdness, the ability to put on different facades, fake charm. Being yourself wasn’t an option.

It’s the young woman who learned that in order to succeed in law school she had to amputate all that was feminine: your compassion, your intuitive abilities, your heart. Like you, I graduated from law school in 1973, and I learned the very same lessons. It was hard dealing with the male professors (there were few female ones), who tended to ignore or put down the less than 10% of us who were women. I wasn’t going to succeed in that venue unless I became more male, more aggressive, more quick-witted than any guy in the room. Clearly, it was the same for you.

It’s the wife who learned from your marriage to Bill that women are there for his pleasure, to be humiliated and mistreated. We were all right there with you in your humiliation. By the way, Bill doesn’t seem the same these days as he did before his heart surgery; he’s tired and cranky and mean. He also seems to have some real mixed feelings about you being the top dog instead of him. He still wants to be “the man,” not the house-husband (even if the house is the white one). Yet you listen to his advice, and to the advice of others who advocate dirty politics.

As you look into that mirror, dive deep into the feminine truth you could reveal to the world, the one that showed up in your “valedictory” moment at the end of that debate with Obama. The moment when your warmth came through. What would happen if you campaigned on your real strengths—your tenacity and experience, your sharp intellect, as well as your hard-earned life knowledge as a woman and mother—instead of showing you can push that damn button like any man.

Do you really want to buy votes through fear? Do you really want to use the same tactics as Bush?

You know, it’s okay to show your feminine side—the caring and compassionate and nurturing side. We won’t think you’re weak. It’s just your male advisors who are afraid of that. You could set a whole new template for women, especially women like us—those of a “certain age.” Those of us who grew up believing they had to present to the world someone different than who they really are.

Come back from the dark side, Hillary. Drop the old baggage, stop reacting in an old habitual way to perceived threats, and stand tall in the light. You can do it.

Comments On Britney

Question: What’s your take on Britney Spears?

Answer: She’s never had a chance to find out who she really is or what she really wants. As a show child and young adult, her entire life has been focused on performance and competition, not inner happiness. When she was troubled by her own feelings, she had to “push them down,” as there wouldn’t be time to addrress them with her busy career. Later, she learned to turn to addictive substances to mask those unpleasant feelings that many of us have about ourselves. She may have begun this process early so now she has addiction problems on top of everything else.

If she sticks with rehab, she can definitely turn the whole thing around. There, she’ll be a part of a tribe of her own peers: people who’ve been where she’s been, and who are where she is right now. In that setting, she’ll have the downtime and opportunity to go within and find her real feelings that she’s never had a chance to get in touch with before. At the same time, she’ll have the support to get off the drugs and alcohol that keep her from connecting to these feelings.

Aboriginal tribes knew what we as a culture have forgotten: that truth heals.My work with people in public events puts people in that same tribal setting. There, I create a safe place for people to speak the things that have been left unsaid, and healing naturally flows from there.

LIVE YOUR DREAM

Live Your Dream

Everyone wants to be happy and live a joyful and fulfilling life. So what’s stopping you? And what can you do to ensure that you live your dream?

The first step is actually defining your dream. Do you know what you really want? Are you happy with your job, your relationships, your health? Is it more important at this point in your life to find some personal security or to do good in the world no matter the cost? Be truthful with yourself as you clarify your desires.

Then see what’s standing in the way of realizing your dream. Did someone put it down, tell you no, stop you in some way from “following your bliss?” I remember being a junior in college and telling my guidance counselor I wanted to be a lawyer like my dad. He said,“You’re dreaming! With your grades, you don’t stand a chance.” Instead of letting him be an obstacle in my path, I took his words as a challenge and did what I had to do to become a successful lawyer.

It’s especially important to clear out old unconscious ways of thinking. For example, a man at one of my recent seminars said he’d always been stopped from doing what he wanted by a lack of money. In fact, what was really stopping him was the way he was living out a family trait he had inherited of Depression-era thinking. When I brought this up, he said,“You’re right! My whole family’s attitude that there’s never going to be enough is based on my parents having lived through the Depression.” I gave him visualizations and affirmations so he could work actively on reversing this old glass-half-empty stance.

Stand strong in your own truth. Have a real conviction about what is right for you. Even set-backs or seeming failures along the way shouldn’t stop you. See them simply as part of the learning curve, another step along the road to your ultimate success

The Truth As We See It

Author Robert Graves wrote, “Intuition is the supra-logic that cuts out all the routine processes of thought and leaps straight from the problem to the answer.” When we have the emotional health to trust our intuition, we can cut through a lot of the facades and nice speeches to get to the truth. Can we ever really know the truth about the people we elect to our public offices? We can glean “facts” from the media – but look closer. Look beyond the prepared words, the carefully crafted “candid” shots. What does your intuition tell you about the candidates? For my take on the events of this busy political time, check out my blog on the Huffington Post.

Posted 02.04.2008
In an election year, we are asked to sit in judgment of the candidates and then take our decision into the voting booth. How can we ever know who these people are and what they are capable of? Read Post

Britney’s Mental State

Like so many bipolars, Britney has attempted to “self-medicate” her mood swings with drugs and alcohol, which can both initiate and exacerbate the problem. It’s hard to know what is chicken and what is egg here. Our brain chemistry is fragile: if we don’t take care to maintain decent nutrition, get adequate rest, monitor our stress levels and avoid substance abuse, we risk developing a problem like bipolar disorder. We are predisposed by our genetics and our mental and physical health habits. It’s been my experience working with thousands of people that most people who abuse drugs and alcohol are often unknowingly dealing with low level depression and try to “fix” their mood with substances. Next thing they know, they have a whole new problem on top of the depression: an addiction.

Britney appears to be suffering from a sub-category of bipolar disorder called “mixed state.” It’s just what it sounds like: you experience symptoms of both mania and depression simultaneously, such as being agitated while depressed or crying while manic. I suspect she’s also a “rapid cycler,” which means she can be very up and then very down, all in the same day. It’s really difficult to deal with and is a major cause of attempted suicide.

My heart really goes out to Britney and her family in this difficult time; I know how difficult it is when you feel ebullient one moment and despairing the next. I encourage her to put herself in the hands of her medical team. I want her to know that she doesn’t need to feel this way and that, with proper treatment, she can quickly recover and come back to herself.

Healing Goes Mainstream

Healing Goes Mainstream

Los Angeles, CA (August 2005)

Once upon a time, the word “healing” was met with suspicion, skepticism, or outright scorn. People associated healers with ads in sensationalistic tabloids, or perhaps with exploitative tent revivals designed to part the faithful with their money. If one did consult a healer, the encounter was shrouded in secrecy. To openly discuss such matters was to risk being labeled a “flake.” But for a growing number of ordinary Americans, that attitude is changing. Healing is going, well,mainstream .

My clients are sophisticated and successful, not gullible or ‘flaky’ by any stretch of the imagination. They are simply people who have come to realize that their body and spirit are crying out for help, and they’ve decided to answer that call.”

“Energy Medicine” is a healing art that involves unblocking certain areas of the energy field that surrounds the body. It treats a variety of chronic and acute conditions, from depression to heart disease to cancer to reproductive disorders. While robust perfect health cannot always be restored,“healing” and “curing” are not necessarily synonymous. Almost everyone reports some improvement. And some clients experience dramatic results, such as cancer going into remission.

What accounts for the surge of interest—open, unabashed interest—in the hard-to-quantify subject of healing? Why is the “H-word” coming out of the closet and into the light?

Conventional medicine isn’t working. Most of us acknowledge that America’s healthcare system is broken. And most of us are well aware that pills and surgeries aren’t meeting our healing needs. Conventional treatments may relieve symptoms, but they seldom get to the root of an illness. By addressing blockages in the energy field, energy healing treats problems at their source. I consider traditional doctors to be partners in healing. But when we are empowered at a soul level, we can learn to join forces with allopathic medicine in helping to heal ourselves.

We’re desperately seeking relief from our stressful, fast-paced lives. Although technology has made our lives “easier” in some ways, it is a double-edged sword. Cell phones and email mean that we are constantly connected to work and to other people. We live in crowded, noisy cities. We sit in traffic jams every day. The demands that our work places on us, not to mention the lack of quiet and solitude, take a toll. It’s hard to pay attention to your inner spirit when you’re thinking about work and responsibilities and bills, 24/7. We know, intuitively, that we’re neglecting something very important.

We’re out of sync with the healing rhythms of nature. We don’t work on farms anymore, so we’ve lost the benefits of physical labor, fresh air and sunshine, exposure to the changing seasons. We don’t have the rejuvenating “down time” that comes from going to bed at sunset. We miss out on the pleasure of eating tomatoes and strawberries grown in soil worked with our own hands. We’re disconnected from the natural cycles of life that our ancestors took for granted. All of this is at odds with what our bodies and spirits crave. Healing speaks to these needs that are going unmet.

Women are disconnected from their femininity. Women have “made it” in the business and professional worlds, and that’s a good thing. The problem is that we’ve become clones of men. Women work hard all day and barely have time for our children in the evenings. We no longer prepare big nourishing meals, or relax with delicate needlework, or enjoy long, rambling conversations with our friends while we shell peas on the front porch. Our deep feminine needs to nurture, to create, to connect emotionally with our sisters are being neglected. Healing helps restore the balance we need to be powerful, secure, happy women.

Globalization makes us open to ideas from other cultures. The advent of the Internet and the forces of globalization have resulted in some significant cultural crossover. It’s not surprising that our Western attitudes are becoming more “Eastern-ized.”“While Energy Medicine is quite Western in its origins, Americans are embracing many holistic practices that spring from ancient Asian and Indian cultures. It’s not uncommon for residents of small rural towns to schedule regular Thai massage sessions or for stressed-out New Yorkers to pursue Ayurvedic harmony. All these healing techniques are right at our fingertips. I did a Web search on the word ‘Qi’—the word for energy in Chinese medicine—and got almost four million results in less than a second.

Science is beginning to recognize the connection between spirituality and health. Studies have proven the effectiveness of prayer. Medical schools are beginning to offer courses on religious and spiritual issues. Physicians are finally acknowledging the powerful connections between body, mind, and spirit. Small wonder that “alternative” practices like meditation, yoga, acupuncture, and, of course, Energy Medicine have gained new credibility. The irony is that these practices are far from new. In fact, they are ancient. We’ve come full circle.

So, will the day come that people book appointments with a healer as matter-of-factly as they now see their hairstylist or their chiropractor? Undoubtedly.

I believe America is at a turning point. Our current attitudes toward physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being are unsustainable. I mean, there is clearly something wrong when so many of us pop antidepressants like they’re breath mints and consider that normal. I really believe that, in the very near future, the word ‘alternative’ will be a misnomer. It will be the new ‘normal.’ And we, as individuals and as a society, will be all the better for it.

NICOLE RITCHIE – IS THE “BAD GIRL” PERSONA GONE FOREVER?

Nicole Ritchie gave birth to a beautiful baby girl over the weekend. As a parenting expert, I’m asked if her “bad girl” persona could be gone forever. The answer is an emphatic “yes.”

Did being pregnant help Nicole clean up her act in any way? Absolutely! Before discovering she was pregnant, Nicole battled a host of addictions, including heroin, and a debilitating eating disorder. A woman’s body develops a different hormonal mix when it prepares her for motherhood. It often also makes her feel happier and more stable than before. That, coupled with getting in touch with millions of years of cellular memories of wanting to insure the health and safety of her unborn child, gave Nicole the absolute best platform for getting clean and sober.

This same combination of pregnancy hormones and awakened cellular memories also would support recovery from an eating disorder. It’s one thing to be told you’re wrecking your health and quite another to be told you’re wrecking the health of your unborn child. Here, Nicole had nine months of pregnancy and at least six months of breast-feeding coming up to build new eating habits. She can put both her addictions and her eating disorder behind her if she wants to. It’s probably the best chance she will ever have.

Does the baby’s birth also impact Joel, the father? Yes, and in beautiful and mysterious ways. Once a man learns he has fathered a child, those millions of years of cellular memory kick in for him too, and he suddenly feels like taking better care of himself and becoming more self-responsible so he can take care of his child. Plus, when he is in close proximity with his pregnant partner, and later with her and the baby, the three of them share in a unified field of energy that protects and supports them and helps them behave in caring and responsible ways to one another.

So is Nicole, the “bad girl,” gone forever? No, our addictions and eating disorders don’t every disappear, they just “lay low.” When our stress level increases, they can return. The key to a permanent recovery is to always remember: once addicted, always addicted. Keep going to 12-step meetings, stay in touch with others who are on the same program, stay in therapy – stay on top of it. Nicole’s “bad girl” can be history and we hope it is!

REGRET

Regret

Regrets can be so tricky. Imagine being harmed by something that didn’t happen! Over and over again, people carry a regret around with them and it works to destroy them. Very often, the physical ailments of those I work with in seminars are manifestations of these inactionable regrets—sorrow tied to chances NOT taken, roads NOT traveled, relationships NOT pursued. If people hold their secrets tightly, imagine how hard it can be to realize they are haunted by things that didn’t even happen! The roots can grow so deep and twisted into our bodies that we hardly remember them not always being there. Dynasty, a forty-something mother of three, came to me with neck pain so severe and unpredictable she had used up her sick leave and her vacation time simply lying on her couch, unable to function. Doctors were able to label her neck problems as stress related, but she simply couldn’t find relief. In our time together, she reached deep when I asked questions about regrets and silent sorrows. She took a deep breath, a few tears fell, and Dynasty told me how raw and sad she still feels that she was not at her mother’s deathbed six years earlier. This would have been an inappropriate time to yell BINGO!, but I felt certain we had just found the answer to her neck trouble. My advice to Dynasty, who hasn’t had a recurrence of the phantom neck trouble in over eighteen months, was threefold.

First, we need to voice this kind of regret—no matter how illogical it is, no matter how much we mentally understand that we can’t change the past, no matter how over it someone else thinks we should be. Speaking the words does not mean we are ungrateful for what we have today, nor does it mean we will reactivate the regret and become bogged down in it. The opposite is true! We are speaking it out loud to begin releasing it from our bodies. Find a trusted person, an isolated mountaintop, even a friendly and loyal dog! But say the words out loud: I regret not going home to be with my mother when she died.

Next, take a look at how that regret has shaped your life. Did you grab onto other relationships with a stranglehold? Did you avoid getting close to people to avoid losing them? Did you march along with a smile on your face to shut the door on the pain? Oh, but wait… There are gifts that can arise from this kind of pain. Did you learn to cherish your family and treat them kindly? Did you learn to never miss an occasion to tell someone you love them? Did you begin following your doctor’s orders so you could maintain your own health? Recognize the effects this regret has had on shaping your life. Some will be unpleasant to look at, but chances are, you have also gained some positive lessons as well.

Third,release the regret. Yes, it is real. Yes, it shaped me and taught me things–good and bad. Yes, it took root in my body and showed up as a sore neck, or a bad back, or ulcers, or knee trouble…The second part of this step is to release yourself from this regret. Go to a peaceful outdoor spot. A mountaintop is fantastic, but a park or beach will work just as well. Choose a natural item that will serve as a symbol of this specific regret. A handful of small twigs works well, as do pebbles and sand. Find a spot and sit quietly with your item, and reflect on the process thus far. When you feel ready, whisper the words out loud, name the regret one more time. Then release the pebbles off the side of a hill, or toss the twigs or sand into water. Watch them disappear and accept that you are no longer held by that sorrow. Occasionally revisit that outdoor spot to nurture your spirit and remind yourself of the journey.

Many of the people who come to me for help are carrying regrets for things they have done. Real or imagined, these regrets can really wreak havoc with our bodies, especially when we have made it a habit, perhaps grown a collection of regrets! All that negative energy just invades our bodies and creates problems down the road.
Clayton, a middle aged executive, was having recurring problems with his lower back when he came to one of my seminars. Physically fit and at a healthy weight, he hoped to find a way out of this chronic painful condition. I noted he had energy trapped in his low back. He mentioned, almost in passing, that he had not always been a good husband and father. It turned out that Clayton was still holding on to regrets for some of the things he had put his family through when he was drinking heavily. Although he no longer drank at all, Clayton had not forgiven himself for his misdeeds. Simply realizing this was incredibly powerful for him.

Because he had reaped the benefits of therapy in the past, he eagerly followed my advice to face his regrets head on. Clayton took his wife to a nature preserve and shared his deep regret for the past problems he had caused for his family. He told her he was grateful for her forgiveness, but that he needed her help to forgive himself. Together, they explored the things their family had suffered and gained through those difficult times. They gathered a basket of leaves together and tossed them off a bridge, forever releasing the pain, shame, and sorrow Clayton’s body had been struggling with all these years. The two of them are enjoying their retirement, and Clayton’s back trouble is also a thing of the past.

There are many events in the world each day that we have no control over. We can’t affect them, no one asks our opinion. While we are powerless over them, the opposite is not true. Frequently the people who attend my seminars are wrapped in deep sadness and regret that comes of our exposure to tragedy.

The violence that we are exposed to on a daily basis is simply astonishing. One hundred years ago, our circles of concern were so much smaller. Now, along with our breakfast cereal, we can read about the suffering and destruction happening all around the globe. And with one click of the remote control, we can see live coverage as well. So many of us seem desensitized to it, but that energy is going somewhere.

Mandy was a passionate, empathetic young woman who suffered from recurring kidney infections. She worked with homeless animals between her classes at a nearby college, and regretted missing work due to these illnesses. It was easy to see that Mandy was a person who feels deeply. She told me how she advocates for the animals at the shelter, and how she went to New Orleans to help the Katrina victims. It made perfect sense when she shared her deep regret for the storms that ravaged that city and hurt so many people. In Mandy’s case, we took a slightly different angle. For Mandy, simply changing some of her input made a huge difference. Her focus had been on the tragedies and the problems for a very long time. Instead of finding more and more ways to assist, she needed to take a break from helping everyone else. She needed to lighten her load and release her burden so she could practice self-care and maintain her balance. Only by taking these measures would she be able to get healthy and continue her good works.

Regret is an acid that eats away at us. It can be tricky to tease out, because we internalize it so subtly. But getting it out in the open, into the fresh air and sunshine, is the first step in finding freedom from regret.

Britney Hospitalized – What Does It All Mean?

Britney Spears was taken to a Los Angeles hospital “for evaluation” last evening. According to the LAPD, police were called to her home at about 8:00 p.m. “about a custodial dispute regarding her children.” After three hours of high drama, it was determined that the children were supposed to be with her ex, Kevin Federline, and Kevin took them away. Officers noticed that Britney “was under the influence of an unknown substance” and she was taken to a hospital.

It’s no coincidence that Britney finally showed up for a deposition at the law offices of Kevin’s attorney earlier that same day. Arriving an hour and a half late, she only stayed 14 minutes. That’s undoubtedly the shortest deposition on record! Asked by a photographer if Kevin’s attorney was nice, she replied with an emphatic “No!”

It’s also no coincidence that Britney’s lawyers had asked to be allowed to withdraw from representing her the day previously.

What does this all mean?

Britney is acting as if she is about seven years old. She likely never had a real childhood, so she’s forced to have it now. When we skip a step in our development, inevitably we find ourselves trying to cope with adult situations with poorly developed skills. When Britney doesn’t get her way or is required to do something she doesn’t want to do (e.g., be deposed, which is very stressful and embarrassing), she “gets back” by refusing to turn over her kids at the appropriate time to her ex. Or indulging in drugs/alcohol. Or both. When her attorneys don’t conform to her demands, she fires them. Same goes for her mother, agent, hairdressers, bodyguards – anyone who doesn’t do what she wants. What age group does that sound like – under seven for sure!

What can we learn from this?

Sadly, Britney gives us a great example of how NOT to run our lives. We’ve all had problems like these: who among us hasn’t had a relationship problem or an addiction problem or a lawsuit problem or problems with our kids. What we can learn from watching Britney is what behavior doesn’t work. Don’t turn everything into high drama; don’t assume your demands should be met; don’t assume you’re right. Accept the fact that adults often don’t get their way. Take a deep breath and remember that this too shall pass. And instead of turning to drugs/alcohol to make the pain and anger go away, try walking or talking. Both are readily available. While we’re fascinated with the descent of Britney, we can learn much from it.

Living on Orange Alert Constantly

After 9-11, the Bush Administration flashed orange and red alert levels, reminding us in Technicolor of the danger we live with. School shootings, massacres in malls, wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, tensions with international communities. And we hear it all day, every day. There is no built-in time anymore for de-stressing. We can watch the Dow all day, and the Asian Markets all night, drowning our sorrows in starchy, sugary, fatty foods. Our physical and emotional health suffers, causing anxiety, depression, fear…But wait, don’t get more depressed! There is good news and steps you can take. Even five minutes of meditation or unwinding each day can start you on a path to increased peace of mind. Start by reading my blog at the Huffington Post.

Posted 12.11.2007
Americans feel increasingly stressed and helpless. Among the most common problem people give voice to are feelings of overwhelming anxiety and depression. Read Post

OMAHA SHOPPING CENTER SHOOTING

December 10, 2007

Witnessing violence in person or on TV, like the shooting that occurred this week at an Omaha shopping center, can wreak havoc with our bodies. Typical initial reactions are feelings of not really being here, feeling disbelief, floating or spacey or detached. These are feelings of shock. It’s very important to actively work our way out of shocking incidents, even if we only saw it on television; otherwise, it can cause us trouble later. Post traumatic stress syndrome, suffered by so many Vietnam and Iraqi vets and by so many after 9/11, is the medical term for what can happen when we store trauma in our bodies.

I would worry about post traumatic stress symptoms for anyone exposed to this kind of trauma. They can show up weeks, even months, after we’ve been exposed to violence. Be on the lookout if you develop phobias or insomnia or digestive disorders or substance abuse. These are all indications that we haven’t yet successfully processed the violence out of our bodies.

It’s really important that we address trauma as soon as possible. Witnessing violence, whether in person or on television, can cause anxiety, phobias, sleeplessness, and even a sense of not really “being here.” It can negatively affect immune function and bone health, and is a causative factor in rectal and colon cancer.

In order to counteract the negative effects of such an event, of primary importance is to simply talk about what happened and how it makes you feel. In addition, the simple practice of coming into the present can help the parasympathetic nervous system take over to manage anxiety and help us cope.

Then go out and spend some time in nature. Watch the sunrise. Listen to the birds. Sit on the grass and smell the scent of terra firma beneath you. This is not denial or avoidance; this is re-grounding. Take a few deep breaths and connect to your feet, then work up to your calves and your knees, then up to your stomach, chest, throat, and finally the top of your head. Acknowledge the feelings in your body and, when you are ready, say to yourself: I want to be here now.

All of us face tragedy at times in our lives. When a tragedy of this magnitude occurs, a shock wave travels throughout the collective mind: it can happen anywhere at anytime. Our shared helplessness at that exposure can draw us together. Talk about what it means to go on, console each other. Compassion and care will, over time, allow the rest of us to go on.

Search..