Deborah King, Author at Deborah King

Making Gender an Asset, Not a Liability

Hilary Clinton’s near miss of the Democratic nomination for President tells us two things: One, there are still gender myths to be overcome. Two, we are almost there. Women CEOs, Supreme Court Justices, and world leaders show us that women are more than up to the tasks of serious leadership – and yet we are held back. By what? By whom? Whatever your personal opinion of Senator Clinton, she has brought a very important issue to the forefront of our consciousness; will we take the opportunity to explore it? I discuss this in more detail on my blog at the Huffington Post.

Posted 12.07.2007
Is there a knee-jerk reaction to a woman on the presidential ballot? Hillary Clinton–love her or hate her–offers us an extraordinary opportunity to… Read Post

Did Drew Peterson Do It?

Did Drew Peterson do it?

December 3, 2007

Did Drew Peterson kill his fourth wife, Stacy? That’s the question on everyone’s minds today. The family members of his missing wife certainly think so. A key witness and relative of Drew’s told a friend that he helped move a barrel that was warm to the touch from Peterson’s bedroom to an SUV. Two days later that relative was so distressed he tried to commit suicide.

Is Drew Peterson a sociopath? He certainly exhibits many characteristics. He doesn’t seem to be upset about his wife’s disappearance. When interviewed by Matt Lauer on the Today show, he looked indifferent, arrogant, almost bored. For a man who had a history of following his wife everywhere she went and checking up on her constantly, he has no evidence or information about the alleged boyfriend he claims she had.

The typical sociopath has enough superficial charm to attract people to them. They’re inclined to be manipulative and cunning, have a sense of entitlement, lie easily, lack remorse, are callous, not concerned about wrecking the lives of others, and exercise unreasonable control over others. Think O.J. Simpson—a classic example of sociopathic behavior and a dead wife.

Drew’s been married four times, so clearly he has enough charm to initially attract women. Stacy and a former girlfriend both reported that he was very, very controlling—following them everywhere. The mysterious drowning death of his third wife is now being investigated. Perhaps it wasn’t an accident. The media who follow Drew and the interviews he has given show a man who seems to have a disconnect between what he claims and reality.

How can we avoid hooking up with a sociopath? Any time you meet someone who has these characteristics, run, don’t walk, in the other direction. Women especially need to be very careful to avoid men who are both charmers and liars, who don’t seem to care about your welfare, and, most dangerous of all, want to control you. Ladies, it starts small: they tell you you can’t talk to your friends on the phone or see your family. If any man ever does that to you, leave immediately and don’t come back, ever!

THE CHOKING GAME

The Choking Game

November 15, 2007

Why are kids engaged in the choking “game?”

It’s natural for teenagers to want to court danger; it’s how they get ready to move from childhood to adulthood. Even just a hundred years ago, there would have been opportunities for 15-year-olds to prove they were adults by killing a wild animal or doing tricks off a horse or going west. Today’s kids have very limited choices: they can drive too fast, do drugs and alcohol, or, more recently, participate in the choking game. Whether they do it to one another or alone, it’s a really dangerous activity, and hardly a game. Any time you deprive your brain of oxygen, it starts to die, and can result in a stroke, seizure, or even death. Recent statistics show nearly a 1,000 deaths a year from this deadly “game.”

So why do kids do it? Is there something addictive about the game?

Yes. It produces both euphoric and erotic feelings. And when you’re unconscious, you can’t protect yourself from abusive behavior; that’s what happened to this poor girl. The message she mistakenly sent to her boyfriend and his friends was that she didn’t respect her own body, so why should they?

What can parents do?

Since our brains develop last, well after our bodies, teens often don’t have the mental capacity to appreciate danger, so parents need to point out it out, even to their strapping 6-foot sixteen year olds. Just as you would warn your children about the dangers of driving too fast or drinking and driving, you will also want to warn them about the dangers of this crazy practice. And watch out for warning signs: bloodshot eyes, marks on the neck, headaches, or ropes or cords in unusual places.

Knowledge and safety go hand in hand.

Dying To Be Beautiful

An autopsy is scheduled today on Donda West, 58, mother and manager of hip-hop star Kanye West. She had cosmetic surgery on Friday, evidently breast and stomach reduction surgery. It was an 8-hour affair, and she went home afterwards instead of to a surgery center. She stopped breathing on Saturday and was rushed to a hospital in LA, where she died.

At least one physician, Dr. Aboolian, told the media that when she requested surgery by him some months ago, he declined because she had a pre-existing medical condition and didn’t have a doctor’s release for it.

Dr. Jan Adams, a well-known Beverly Hills plastic surgeon, whose surgery center sits above a Kinko’s and Quizno’s in LA, performed the surgery. He told TMZ that he “had done nothing wrong” and that Donda had likely died from a heart attack, pulmonary embolism, or from massive vomiting post op.

Last night on Larry King, TMZ (a celebrity gossip and news TV show and website) reported that research on Dr. Adams revealed he is not board certified and that he has several DUIs, malpractice suits, and unpaid judgments against him. An ex-girlfriend of Dr. Adams claimed alcohol brings out the “Jekyll and Hyde” in him; she was granted a restraining order against him.

Why would a beautiful, intelligent, and successful woman like Donda, who had everything to live for, risk everything? Because our society tells women that they can’t compete or be respected unless they don’t look a day over 49 or wear more than a size 10. The pressure for a woman like Donda, who was in the limelight, is intense.

What can we learn from this tragic story?

Check out your doctor. Look him over at least as carefully as you would a car you’re thinking of buying. Be sure he is board certified and that you feel comfortable with him. If he doesn’t require a medical release, get another doctor. Tell him everything – don’t hide anything. Get your primary care doctor’s opinion too.

Don’t combine too many procedures; the longer you’re under, the higher the risk for embolism and infection.

Ask yourself why you want the surgery: if it’s to repair a relationship or change your life, it would better to see a therapist or you’ll find that you are disappointed after the surgery.

Our hearts go out to Kanye and his family. Donda was warm, loving, bright and talented, and we will all miss her. But the tragedy of her death can be a wake-up call to a lot of women who might be contemplating similar risky surgery.

Oprah School Scandal

November 5, 2007

Children feel three main emotions when they are abused:

1. Fear that they will be hurt or humiliated or blamed.

2. Anger that they are like prey, helpless and powerless.

3. Shame because they are sure it’s their fault. When anything goes wrong, kids blame themselves.

One out of every three girls will have been sexually abused before the age of 18 in the US; worldwide, the figures are even higher. The fact that it happened at this school, whose founder, Oprah Winfrey, stands for the welfare of girls and women around the world and whose very purpose in opening the school was to provide a protective and caring environment for girls, shows just how pervasive this problem is.

What I’ve learned from working with thousands of abuse victims is that abuse destroys children’s basic sense of place and safety in the world, especially when it’s inflicted by our own family or caregivers. If not treated, it tends to show up later as illness and addiction. The key is treatment to remove the fear, anger, and shame that come with abuse. There are therapies that address this problem and can undo the damage—the sooner the better. It will be crucial to involve the parents so that the children don’t feel they have a terrible secret they have to keep.

MORE “JUICE” ON O.J.

Christine Prody, girlfriend of The Juice since before the criminal trial, and former aesthetician and cocktail waitress, is a pretty tough customer herself. The next door neighbor claims that he saw her fighting with O.J.—that she attacked him and tore a gold necklace off his throat. There have also been numerous allegations of drug use on her part. We can assume that where’s there smoke, there’s fire; chances are, Christine has plenty of problems of her own and is looking to get rescued.

Women are attracted to men like O.J. because deep down they’re afraid: afraid of being pushed around, of not being able to support themselves, of being uncared for, and they have a deep core belief that a big bruiser will be their fairy godfather. His girlfriend, like the rest of us modern-day men/women, has thousands of years of patriarchal beliefs built into her brain. She probably believes that a big, aggressive guy like O.J. will be her protector and her meal ticket.

Interestingly enough, most abuse victims are attracted to this type of guy. Unconsciously, they’re hoping to heal the original wound. Also, they believe that this big dude will protect them from further abuse in the future. They are blinded to the possibility that he may abuse them. They’re always sure, during the romance phase, that it won’t happen to them. Typically, women who have been abused hook up with abusive men, and repeat the cycle.

O.J: SOCIOPATH OR VICTIM?

The question on everyone’s minds today is whether O.J. Simpson is a sociopath or a victim. Twelve years ago during the criminal trial, many questioned whether or not he actually killed his wife and Ron Goldman. Public sentiment has shifted in the intervening years. Today, after his conviction in the civil trial and his attempts to publish a book about “how he did it,” the overwhelming sentiment seems to be that O.J. is guilty of those murders.

What is a sociopath and is O.J. one? He certainly exhibits many of the characteristics of a sociopath: he is superficially charming, manipulative and cunning; has a sense of entitlement; lies easily; exhibits lack of remorse; lives on the edge; is callous and not concerned about wrecking the lives of others; exercises despotic control over others; justifies his crimes; and is a narcissist. This textbook definition is a dead ringer for O.J!

But can he also be a victim?

Sociopaths are made, not born. What happened to him in his childhood to create these monstrous characteristics?

O.J. was born in the projects in San Francisco and his parents split when he was a toddler. From ages 3 to 5, he had to wear homemade braces after he contracted rickets from extreme malnutrition. He was in a street gang in high school. What saved him was his mother’s love and his tremendous athletic talent; he broke a world record in track before he was even 18 and earned the Heisman Trophy in football in high school. He married his high school sweetheart young, and he had a little girl who drowned before she was two. He and his wife divorced that same year.

It’s not hard to read between the lines of O.J.’s childhood: it’s highly likely that he suffered a lot of abuse and a lot of prejudice for being poor and black. The evidence in the current Las Vegas criminal trial is not clear cut and most of the witnesses don’t exactly have clean hands themselves, so it may be difficult to make a prosecution against O.J. Simpson stick. He may be free again soon.

Britney Thumbs Nose at Court Order

As if Britney didn’t have enough problems with her lackluster performance at last week’s MTV awards, the judge in her child custody case ruled this week that she is a “habitual, frequent and continuous” user of alcohol and drugs and must undergo twice-weekly random drug and alcohol testing. The court also ruled that both Britney and her ex, Kevin Federline, cannot use alcohol for 12 hours prior to having the kids. To top it off, Britney was also ordered to meet with a parenting coach and both parents must complete a “Parenting Without Conflict” course.

What did Brit do in response? Well, laying low isn’t her style. Instead, she went out that evening, not to one club, but two, and partied hard ‘til closing time, with plenty of photographers around to document it. It was reported that she was dancing on the tables, trying to look really sexy. I’d say looking really desperate.

This is classic behavior for someone in as desperate a state as Britney. The judge is giving her one last chance to pull back from her addictive behavior, so she won’t lose her two boys to her ex. But Brit’s been on an adolescent streak of rebellion for some time now (first with her ex, then her parents – most recently, she’s fired her hairdresser, her attorney, and even her manager has quit). Child stars have a really hard time growing up, and we’re watching in rapt fascination as poor Brit goes through the terrible two’s.

Britney’s former bodyguard, Tony Barretto, went over to the other side at the custody hearing and was ready to testify against his former boss and accuse her of drug use and issues of safety and nudity in front of her children. Tony claimed he was only doing it “because he too had small children.” Does this pass the “smell test” for truth? No! Fortunately, the judge saw through it, and declined to hear his testimony.

Likewise not passing the “smell test” is ex Kevin Federline who protests he’s just looking out for his kids’ welfare in trying to get full custody. More likely he’s looking to increase the child support he gets when the kids are in his custody! No doubt he sees the children as a meal ticket.

What is it about Britney that prompts her self-destructive behavior? One reason is that she didn’t learn any normal coping skills as a child star. Where most regular folks learn early on that they won’t always get their way, young stars like Britney and Lindsey Lohan are given free reign as long as they continue to pull in the money. By the time they are young adults, 18-20, their view of the world and their role in it is pretty twisted: they’re convinced that they’re the center of the universe and everyone else is simply there at their pleasure. When things don’t go their way, they try to numb their feelings with drugs and alcohol. As their lives careen out of control, and producers, friends, exes and judges fail to fall into line, they become increasingly miserable, even despondent, and turn again to addictive substances, and the cycle begins again.

Britney’s never had a chance to find out who she really is or what she really wants. As a show child, her entire life has been focused on performance and competition, not inner happiness. Britney simply didn’t have the coping skills to have handled the stress of her “comeback” attempt at the MTV awards, so she skipped the rehearsals (fear), fired her hairdresser in a fit of anger (read: fear), and tried to drink her way through the performance (fear again).

Will she sabotage herself as savagely in the custody battle? It’s so obvious that the one thing she really has going for her is her real love for her children. Knowing Britney and her propensity for creating one train-wreck after another, it doesn’t look too promising.

The key is for Britney to “hit bottom” (hopefully, she’s close!) Then, she’d be in the right frame of mind for a successful rehab. In rehab, she’d be a part of a tribe of her own peers: people who’ve been where she’s been, and who are where she is right now. In that setting, she’d have a chance to go within and find her real feelings that she’s not had a chance to get in touch with before. At the same time, she’d have the support to get off the drugs and alcohol that keep her from connecting to these feelings.

We all hope that Britney will turn her life around!

DO BAD GIRLS ALWAYS WIN IN THE END?

High School Musical Star to Get Millions After Release of Nude Photos.

To our teenagers, it must seem like this kind of bad behavior is a winner. Kids are savvy today, and they know it’s unlikely that the nude photos of Vanessa Hudgins, star of Disney’s hugely popular (and lucrative) High School Musical, will throw a monkey wrench in her career. After all, hardly anyone had ever heard of Paris Hilton before her sex tape, and Britney’s posing without her panties hasn’t hurt her either. Vanessa is already saying all the right things, apologizing, going to church with her parents, and generally acting demure. The release of these photos may actually throw her career into overdrive.

Parents, older and wiser than their kids, know that failing to respect your own body doesn’t win you anything in the long run. Vanessa will one day realize that cheapening her image and flushing away her dignity isn’t the road to real self-esteem, but that’s hard to grasp in the throws of young stardom. I urge parents not to focus on the negative, but to find positive images for their kids to admire, like Reese Witherspoon and Beyoncé Knowles.

This kind of celeb misbehavior makes parenting really difficult. Parents are trying to raise their girls to have respect for the privacy of their own bodies, and here their idols are in various stages of undress. The real message to young girls is an unhealthy over-emphasis on body image. After all, how many teenagers actually look like Vanessa? This leads to problems like eating disorders. And “what you see is what you get” is the subliminal message – it encourages bad behavior in boys and men. This leads to problems like sexual abuse, date rape, and a host of other behaviors that we all deplore. It’s no coincidence that more than one out of every three girls is sexually abused today.

Nudity sends a mixed message. I tell parents: teach your kids that sexy is one thing, but slutty is another.

Downfall of being a Celeb Like Britney

We revere our celebs, fantasizing that they are immune from all the real life problems that we face, but they aren’t. In fact, depressing life events like Britney’s divorce and battles with her ex and her parents are even more stressful for them. It’s one thing to suffer these experiences in private and quite another to have it happen in front of millions of curious onlookers.

Celebs, just like us, are susceptible to the stresses of everyday life, except more so. The public likes to focus on the bright side of celebrity: fame, fortune, fans, and red carpets galas. But there’s a dark side to celebrity: when they go home at night and really look at themselves in the mirror, all they feel is fear: fear of failure in front of millions of people, fear of aging, fear of being alone. Then there’s the constant lying: pretending to be okay in public, even when their heart is breaking or they’re paralyzed with fear or hating how that extra ten or twenty pounds looks.

Britney Spear’s Sunday night lackluster performance on the MTV Video Music Awards is really guaranteed to give her weak self-esteem another blow, and my heart goes out to her. The criticism has been incredibly cruel. Britney’s problems with drugs and alcohol are likely linked to depression, which is linked to self-esteem issues. This latest experience certainly won’t help. Compare Owen Wilson, whose sense of self was so jeopardized, even though he was garnering nothing but positive feedback, that he evidently turned back to drugs.

The more any of us lies to ourselves, celeb or not, the more we split from our truth. Pretty soon, we don’t have a clue about how we really feel about anything, and our lives start to disintegrate. If only Anna-Nicole Smith could have gotten in touch with her real feelings about herself, instead of masking them, she might still be with us. The key is awareness.

To avoid depression that can lead us to drugs and alcohol—talk, talk, talk! Talk to your family and friends; find a therapist or 12-step program that fits, and stick with it. Our fear can really run away with us when we clam up.

MARY WINKLER AND POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS SYNDROME

September 10, 2007

Mary Winkler shot her minister husband, Matthew, in Selmer, Alabama, in the back and killed him after 10 years of abuse. The final straw, according to Mary, was when he put his hands over their one-year-old baby’s nose and mouth in an effort to stop her crying. Mary “snapped,” got out of a closet the shotgun that he had threatened her with in the past and pointed it at him,“so she could talk to him.” Then she heard a “big boom.” He collapsed to the floor and bled to death within a few minutes.

Charged with first-degree murder, Mary was convicted in April of voluntary manslaughter, and was released from prison in August. She spent her last two months in custody in a mental health facility where she was treated for post-traumatic stress disorder and depression. All told, she spent seven months in custody. Her three children (8, 6, and 1 year old) were placed in the custody of her husband’s parents, who are now trying to get permanent custody of the children. Mary is also trying to get custody. Her ex in-laws have sued her in the civil courts for $2M in connection with the death of their son.

Mary was obviously the victim of serious emotional and physical abuse. Her father reported years before seeing her face bruised, despite heavy make-up she used to cover her injuries. Mary testified at trial that her married life was living hell: she couldn’t do anything right and was terrified of her husband. She also testified that he insisted that she dress up as a hooker in the bedroom and forced her to have oral and anal sex, which she felt were unnatural. He often threatened her life.

Oprah interviewed Mary recently, and that interview showed she has all the marks of someone with post-traumatic stress syndrome. She seems “flat” and almost emotionless. She is unable to look at the interviewer or the camera, which evidences all the shame she carries for never being able to measure up to her husband’s increasingly unreasonable demands. During the interview, she repeatedly blamed herself for her husband’s problems and says she hasn’t suffered enough. This is classic behavior for someone heavily abused: the victim thinks it must be all their fault.

Like so many wives of men in public positions, Mary tried to keep the abuse a secret. She was overworked, lonely, and had nowhere to turn—a situation likely to become explosive.

Women can learn much from Mary’s situation. If you feel afraid for your own safety or that of your children, don’t wait! Get help immediately. It’s like the frog that sits in water that gets progressively hotter until it dies; lots of times we don’t realize just how miserable and unsafe we really are while the heat gets turned up a little each day. Mary said to Oprah,“I’m a different woman now. I speak up more.” We can learn that lesson from her!

Can Mary get her children back? It will be up to the Tennessee judge, but she should. Her conviction of manslaughter in no way infers an inability to be a good mother to her children. Her children need her.

WHY IN THE WORLD DO CELEBS SAY THE THINGS THEY DO?!

Why in the world do celebs say the things they do?!

September 4, 2007

Jerry Lewis’s remark yesterday about “illiterate faggots” – what was he thinking? When we say things like that, what we’re really doing is expressing the collective unconscious that ALL of us share. We all have prejudices that we try to hide from ourselves and others, and sometimes they just slip out.

Michael Richards couldn’t believe what slipped out of his mouth this year, and has apologized profusely. Sometimes our mouths say what our deepest selves are thinking – beliefs we hold that are below are daily consciousness. What he said is what so many think; he just got caught expressing a shared belief. African-Americans have been second class citizens for hundreds of years, and those beliefs are built into our cellular memory.

Comedians especially walk a really fine line and sometimes go too far. Think Don Imus – he expressed a belief held by many of us that women (especially black ones) are something to kid about. Isaiah Washington is another example of foot-in-mouth disease. He was so angry about being called out for his remark, he repeated it! Here we have a situation of a member of one group who has experienced horrendous prejudicecriticizing another group that experiences even more prejudice!

Our comedians act like a Greek chorus for us: they express the hidden currents that run through our culture, and show us all what so many of us secretly think. When properly handled, think Larry David or Jerry Seinfeld, it can act like a safety valve—letting off some of the pressure and allowing people to remain civil in their discourse with one another.

Truth In The Workplace

Truth in the Workplace

August 3, 2007

Be Truthful With Your Boss Without Getting Fired!

Your co-worker is driving you crazy! He spends most of his time playing poker online, then hints to the boss that it’s your fault when the work isn’t done. If you go to your boss to complain, you’ll look like a whiner. Or worse, maybe you’ll be fired for being a troublemaker!

You dropped the ball and lost an important client. Maybe you accidentally deleted some vital files, or did something that makes you fear you’ll be fired – should your boss ever find out. Or maybe it’s your boss who’s giving you problems. He’s talking over you when you make a presentation to a client and making you feel like two cents. Can you tell him how that makes you feel, or do you think you need to swallow your emotions in order to keep your job?

Telling the truth takes courage, whether it’s confessing to your own mistakes or trying to reach an understanding with your boss. Telling the truth in the workplace doesn’t mean being nasty or brutal, coming in with both guns blazing to clean up the wicked ways of the town. It does mean some serious preparation on your part and learning how to set up a “safe” situation in which the truth can be told.

Say you’re feeling disempowered by your boss. She’s making your life miserable, yet you’re scared of telling her how you really feel. Your entire time at work is being affected, and possibly your own health is at risk. You’ve got to do something, but what? How can we be true to ourselves and still keep our job?

First, sit quietly and contemplate the situation. Is it really your boss who is the problem? Or have you simply been too “polite,” withdrawn into a shell of acquiescence, so your boss doesn’t know what you’re actually capable of doing? Prepare what you want to say, and be ready to say it in the least offensive way possible. Write down every word and keep reading it out loud until you can say it very calmly. If you deliver your message in an emotionally-charged way, your boss is much more likely to get defensive… and we know where that can lead.

You don’t want to dump on your boss, client, co-worker, or yourself, but you do want to create a space for him to really hear where you are coming from. Help your boss understand how his actions and words, which may not have meant anything to him, have affected you. Most importantly, you want the boss to feel included in coming up with the answer to the problem rather than just being told what you think should happen. Creating a safe space means finding a way for open, authentic conversation to take place. If your boss feels attacked or ridiculed, you’re dead meat.

So, you can do it – you can tell the boss the truth if you create a safe space, feel well-prepared and emotionally calm and centered. And still collect your paycheck.

Truth & Beauty

Truth & Beauty

August 2, 2007

Can We Dye Our Hair, Get Breast Implants, Wear Acrylic Nails, and Still Live a Truthful Existence?

And why not? The outer appearance of beauty – perfect hair, perfect breasts, perfect nails, and of course the perfect figure (whatever that may look like to you) – have little to do with the inner beauty that shines forth when we are living our real truth. What matters most is how we feel about ourselves inside our skins. If a little liposuction would help, then by all means, go ahead

However, that’s not to say that the outer manifestation – how we present ourselves to the world – doesn’t indicate in some measure how we feel about ourselves inside. If a man feels powerless because he’s losing his hair, will a toupee or hair implants make him feel like more of a man? Would Donald Trump still be The Donald without his signature way of keeping hair on his head? Would the man whose name fronts some of the most expensive real estate in the world feel insecure if he faced the world bald?

What do your attempts at beauty indicate about yourself? Do you assume you’ll be rejected by men if you can’t fill a DD cup? Why do you think that? Do you hide under baggy clothes because you’re overweight and ashamed? Do you think you couldn’t possibly go on a job interview if a nail is chipped?

Beauty, as the saying goes, is in the eye of the beholder. Look at yourself in a mirror – a well-lit mirror! Stop moaning and groaning. What is the reflection telling you? Can you see love and compassion for yourself streaming from your eyes? Do you see your intelligence, your creativity, your shining soul? Or are you inundated with self-loathing? If all you can see in the mirror are your “faults” – the extra pounds, the grey hairs, wrinkles, too many freckles, drooping breasts, whatever – there’s an inner truth that you’re hiding from. And a plastic surgeon or anti-aging treatments or a new hair color won’t change whatever lie you’re telling yourself.

As a high-powered lawyer, I used to wear expensive clothes to cover the shame of drinking too much and winding up in strange beds, not realizing that what I was really trying to cover up – with my entire lifestyle – was the sexual abuse I had experienced as a child.

So look long and hard in the mirror. Wherever you find a part of yourself you don’t like, see if you can find out why. What fear, what insecurity, what shame is staring back at you? Dig deeper. Write about it in your journal. What memories arise? Go deeper. Strip away the lies and find your truth. You’ll may amazed at how that reflection in the mirror changes.

Can you still dye your hair? Of course! Find out if blondes do have more fun. Lose some weight and get to buy new clothes (while lowering your cholesterol and making your doctor happy). But know that your true beauty radiates from your truth!

Should Children Always Be Told the Truth?

Should Children Always Be Told the Truth?

August 2, 2007

It’s a tricky question, isn’t it? Of course you want to teach your child to tell the truth. You may have punished your child already for lying to you. But do you always tell the truth to your child? And is it always the best course of action?

We know that the lies we tell ourselves can harm our health or destroy our happiness. If your partner is cheating on you, some part of you will know the truth, no matter how much you deny it. Instead of confronting him or her (they might actually tell you what you don’t want to hear), you eat too much, drink too much, pop a few too many pills. Maybe you even take out your anger on your children. And chances are, the whole time you’re lying to them as well as to yourself – for their own good, of course. Well, Daddy had to stay late at work again. Mommy’s too busy. He’s…[fill in the blank].

Meanwhile, the kids feel the tension, feel the disconnect between their parents, maybe even hear you mouthing off about that @#%&* to your friends. And because you’re lying to them, your kids have to discount the truth they feel in their bodies. But how do you tell them the truth when you can’t even admit it to yourself? When the inevitable breakdown happens, what do you say now? Are they old enough to understand the complex dynamics and emotional roller coaster of an adult relationship?

There have been a number of studies related to when, and if, a child should be told the truth about certain situations. For example, a British study into the lives of 25,000 “donor-assisted” children showed that children as young as three should be told they were conceived with the help of a sperm donor, or they risked psychological damage later in life. If the child finds out accidentally or from someone else, there are angry questions: Why didn’t you tell me? What else haven’t you told me? Why did you lie to me?

What about telling children they are gifted? Will their egos get inflated, making them arrogant and intolerant of others? For these children, like those with disabilities, it can come as a great relief to hear the truth – to know there is a reason they feel different. What about parents and doctors telling children they have cancer? Or that they’re too fat? Can you tell a child the truth in an open, shame-free, supportive, and honest way?

Many parents think they can protect their children by lying. However, even children as young as 3 or 4 can be told the truth, or as much of it as they can handle. When a 5-year-old asks where babies come from, it’s enough to say from Mommy’s tummy rather than give a lecture on sex education, and sure better than bringing up that old tired stork.

Many believe that there are age-acceptable lies – lies that cause no harm to a young child. After all, how many children have been badly hurt by finding out who Santa really is? But take into consideration: Will the child be hurt more by the truth than by a lie? Not only now, but in the future? These are difficult questions, and I don’t pretend to have an answer. But I know how I was hurt by the lies I was surrounded by in my childhood, and have seen the repercussions of lies in the lives of my clients. My recommendation is always to go with even a simplified version of the truth. Because the simple truth I know is that lies hurt… and truth heals.

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