Develop Habits that Help You & Ditch the Ones that Don’t
It’s impossible, I think, to live for very long without developing a series of habits that appear to have worked quite well for a very long time. We’ve all developed habits for assorted reasons: to pass the time, to shift blame, or to pass muster in some way. Some have become workaholics, others shopaholics, others alcoholics, others marathon TV series-aholics, still others video game-aholics. In a crazy, mixed-up, and heavily politicized world, sometimes dropping out simply to stay sane seems the sensible thing to do.
Mea culpa
Early on, I developed self-protective habits in abundance: among them, staying out of my mother’s way (she detested me in utero) and pleasing my incestuous father (and later other powerful men, working my way up the ladder back when women attorneys were almost as rare as hens teeth), none of which was good for me. As a result of these unhealthy habits and others (including drinking like a fish and an unhealthy daily dose of Valium), I ended up with a cancer diagnosis in my 20’s. Talk about a wake-up call!
It was just so easy to develop unhelpful habits! When it worked, even temporarily, to give me some sense of control, ease, or release, I did it again. And again. And again. Until they became habits. (As it turned out, nearly fatal habits!)
I can guarantee you that no one ever expected (or intended, or desired) to become addicted to a substance, a beverage, or a way of “doing life” that ended up harming them and/or their loved ones and future. But millions of people have ended up hooked on habits that no longer serve them (and perhaps, in hindsight, never did).
With that cancer diagnosis, I went on a health kick and on a quest that extinguished the older, unhelpful habits along the way. With only so many hours in each given day, and what I considered, at the time, to be a temporary reprieve from undergoing surgery while I researched other healing modalities, a whole new world opened up to me. A world in which I was no longer a victim or a victimizer (both learned at my parents’ knees) but a victor. With each new sage, guru, shaman, and teacher I met, I developed new habits to support my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual wellbeing. My body literally healed itself, as all bodies are designed to do when we stop bombarding them with unhelpful habits and harmful thoughts. And as a result, I discovered my true calling (Spirit never wastes a wound): sharing ways to overcome unhelpful mindsets that deliver the exact opposite of what everyone wants to happen to them and their loved ones! Healing is an inside job and developing helpful habits is a crucial step in the process.
My Recipe for Developing Better Habits
- This month, replace one unhelpful habit with a helpful one.
If you’re spending more than 30 minutes a day on social media or playing Solitaire or another relaxing-but-irrelevant video game, choose another helpful habit and divert and dedicate the excess time to developing it. Example: If you’re sedentary, devote the excess time to taking a mindful walk. Ideally, choose a nature trail, a city park, or some other place where you can see and hear birds and animals. Or, if children are a special delight, visit a playground in a city park. This new activity should have no responsibilities attached to it. Make this your time to simply walk, sit, and appreciate the value of creating a healthier, but equally enjoyable (“addictive”-worthy!) habit.
- Next month, replace another unhelpful habit with a more helpful one.
If you feel you’re addicted to watching too much TV, divert and dedicate at least half of the time you spend doing that listening to a soothing music station (ideally instrumental). Doing so will give your brain a chance to recalibrate and relax. Although our brains are designed to think and to seek pleasurable activities, they don’t benefit from a too-constant drumbeat of pursuit. Too much action/adventure or adrenaline-pumping entertainment can create an imbalance. Give your brain a break!
- The following month, replace another unhelpful habit with a creative new hobby or undertaking.
Learn to knit, read a book, play pickleball, speak a new language, or go swimming during the time you would otherwise spend on the unhelpful habit. Write that memoir. Send that letter. Do something you feel really great about.
- Repeat, as above, as many times as necessary, each time replacing an unhelpful habit with one that feeds your spirit or advances you in the direction you want to go.
You do have the time; it’s just a matter of incorporating a more helpful pursuit, using the same hours. Simply establish focused intent and then Make It So!
When you’ve conquered your small handful of time-consuming unhelpful habits, you’ll find you’ve freed up ample time (and energy!) to seek and attain the goals that you’re more interested in achieving.
Yard by yard, life is hard.
Inch by inch, life’s a cinch.
It is sometimes the smallest of things that are the hardest to change. And we all need a helping hand sometimes. And that is exactly what our community here at the Deborah King Center provides. And at the highest echelons of our programs, the changes people make in their lives are nothing short of life-changing. Want to learn more about it? Click here to attend our free annual Open House to learn about the transformations that can be in store for you >>
The first key is to acknowledge the resistance you’re feeling but to do so with love and compassion. Every change brings resistance, even positive change. So, give yourself a little time to realize you’re beating yourself up because you’ve been standing in your own way for so long. Give yourself permission to move away from self-blame into the winning game. I remember doing that very thing when I was young and wanted to master energy healing; I first had to get out of my own way. To quote Napoleon Hill, “Out of resistance comes strength.”
The second key is to create a compelling vision of the life you want to lead or the next goal you want to achieve. The operative word here is compelling. It has to be a vision that is so clear and attractive to you that you can already see and feel it as though it’s already been accomplished. You practice actually feeling the way you’ll feel when it manifests in your life. It has to be powerful, like the tractor beam on Star Trek. Your intention is the tractor beam. By the way, Nasa is currently working on a Star Trek style tractor beam, a gravitational beam emitter, so let’s not retire that delicious image just yet!
The third key is to commit to long-term practice and persistence. Transforming your life and reaching cherished long-term goals requires constant practice and persistence. By dedicating yourself to forward progress, you are rewiring your brain to make the changes you need to achieve whatever it is you want. Whether you want to learn music or a language or meditation, you’ve got to practice/practice/practice! As Walt Disney famously said, “If you can dream it, you can do it!” And the biggest danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but that our aim is too low. Consider for a moment the persistence of Malala Yousafzai, the young Pakistani girl who persisted in her goal for girls’ education in Pakistan despite being shot, now that’s resolve!
The fourth key is to expect yourself to take a few steps backwards along the way. On the road to self-mastery, back-sliding is part of the journey. You won’t get everything right the first time. So, when backsliding happens, practice self-kindness, self-acceptance and self-compassion so you can kick-start your progress again. I did that with a host of things I wanted to learn, from skiing to mountain climbing to learning a foreign language. When you fall off your diet for a day or a weekend, that doesn’t mean you’ve failed. You’ve just backslid. Like who hasn’t! Start again. Start again and again, as many times as it takes to reattach to your compelling vision about what your life will be like when you’ve succeeded. I only quit drinking once, and I succeeded, yay for me, but I quit smoking, I’ve gotta admit, 32 times, before I got it right.
The fifth key is to live by the principle of moderation.
The sixth key is lighten up!
The seventh key is to set mini goals.
The eighth key is Cultivate Your Physical Energy. Whatever road to mastery you take, you will need a healthy reserve of physical energy to get from where you are to where you want to go. Without it, whenever you backslide, or feel stressed, or whenever you need to overcome resistance, you’ll be too depleted to lift yourself over the hurdle. Your willpower will only last as long as the energy you have in the tank!
The ninth key is to be really honest with yourself.
The final key, #10, is Establish Empowering Rituals.
