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Oprah addresses incest again

It takes courage to speak out about incest, but talking about it is a major component of healing from the trauma of abuse. It’s bottling up the secret that keeps a victim feeling “dirty,” and filled with guilt and shame. Yesterday, Oprah had a follow-up show to her interview with Mackenzie Phillips that featured more brave souls who shared their experiences of incest—women who had been afraid to speak out until Mackenzie opened the door for them.

One of the guests was Kathryn Harrison, who had written a book about her 4-year incestuous “affair” with her father, called The Kiss. When it was first written, over a decade ago, no one believed her. As more people reveal their experiences, it will become safer for victims to open up about the traumas that shaped their lives.

Watching Oprah’s show, I was once again triggered to remember some of my past with my father. You can read about it at http://www.huffingtonpost.com/deborah-king/oprah-incest-revisited_b_323565.html

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Domestic Violence: Breaking Free

I just finished writing a piece on Domestic Violence; you can read more about domestic violence abuse in the resources section. I get really triggered just writing about this topic. It seems like everywhere I turn, I find more cases of Domestic Violence, not less. Recently, we’ve been focused on MacKenzie Phillips and Roman Polanski – talk about violence. Last week, I worked with hundreds of individual women at ISpa, a high end conference for the spa industry, where one would NOT expect to find victims of violence. The first day, I worked with a lovely woman in an executive position who had been badly beaten by her boyfriend – he had broken her nose.  So don’t assume that you’re safe because your partner is college educated and has a job. Domestic Violence does not discriminate; it affects us all.

Please share your stories here. We can only be safe when we refuse to be silenced.

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Truth about Incest

 

The topic of incest has exploded into the media with the revelations of MacKenzie Phillips, the young TV star of “One Day at a Time,” about the sexual tie between her and her father, Papa John of the iconic 60s group, the Mamas and the Papas.

As the survivor of incest myself, I understand all too well both her situation and the reaction she can expect from family members who will want to deny her truth. Most of all, I want her to know that, despite what she has said about the relationship being “consensual,” incest is always the parent’s responsibility. For her to heal, she will have to know that it was never her fault.

According to the National Center for Victims of Crime, “Studies conclude that 43% of the children who are abused are abused by family members.” And despite the secrecy involved in incest, it’s estimated that over 10 million Americans are victims of incest, most of which is father/daughter. It’s important to know MacKenzie’s story so we can open the doors to a public discussion of all sexual abuse, including the shameful taboo of incest.

Many are horrified or disgusted by the depravity of incest, but as a seeker of truth you’ll want to read my blog in the Huffington Post, at http://www.huffingtonpost.com/deborah-king/oprah-incest-revisited_b_323565.html

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Why did the Craigslist Killer’s fiance stand by her man?

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Why do women feel the necessity of standing by their man even when he’s proven himself to be not only untrustworthy, but even dangerous? We’ve watched Megan McAllister originally stand by Philip Markoff, Rihanna maybe/maybe not stand up for Chris Brown, Silda Spitzer stick to her marriage despite her husband’s way with call girls, Hillary Clinton stand by her man, and so many others. In this blog for the Huffington Post, I talk about the way women are unconsciously trained in patriarchal myths we may have thought were long since gone.

Stand by your man . . . no matter who he kills or beats up?

What exactly was Megan McAllister thinking when she said, “I love my fiancé and will continue to support him throughout this legal process”? Or more accurately, what was her state of denial as she watched officers retrieve the panties of Philip Markoff’s victims and the gun used to shoot one of them from the hollowed out “Grey’s Anatomy” book he kept under the bed they slept in? This was the “loving and caring person” who kept duct tape, plastic zip handcuffs, and a semiautomatic weapon in his home. Just how blind can love be? Read full post

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Is Love Blind? Ask Megan McAllister

How could Megan McAllister, the fiancée of the Craigslist Killer, Philip Markoff, possibly consider that he’s a “loving and caring person” after all the evidence against him? For that matter, what causes a lot of women to be blindsided by their men’s faults? Think of Rihanna going back to Chris Brown, or Silda Spitzer still standing by her man. Is it pure denial, or are there unconscious promptings at work here? It would be wise for us all to bring more awareness to the ingrained beliefs we carry that are a hand-me-down from old patriarchal ideals. They have not been wiped out by feminism and women’s rights. If you think you’re free of them, think again. Read my blog on the Huffington Post here.

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Warren Jeffs Gives 12-Year-Old Girl Wedding-Style Kiss

Have you seen the photo of the FLDS spiritual leader, 51-year-old Warren Jeffs, cradling in his arms and deeply kissing — and we’re talking about a “wedding”-type kiss here — a then twelve-year-old girl?

The photo was introduced on Friday in the custody case of an infant born two weeks ago to Louisa Bradshaw Jessop, and fathered by Dan Jessop, who is the brother of the girl Jeffs is passionately kissing. Maybe it was meant to jog the memory of the witness, Louisa, who responded, “I don’t know,” or “I can’t remember right now,” to nearly every question posed to her, including how long she’d been at the ranch and who lived in her household.

What did you think was happening in those big happy polygamous families? Anyone who’s ever left the cult has written about their main religious belief — The Principle of Plural Marriage — and the abuse that it engenders. It’s vitally important in the FLDS culture for a man to have at least a Quorum of wives (3 is the minimum) in order to enjoy the benefits of the heavenly kingdom; he really needs at least seven wives to be considered an important member of the priesthood and the community.

As for that kiss in the photo possibly being anything other than a wedding kiss? A man in FLDS can have physical contact with a female only if they are married. Period.

Judge Walther acknowledged that she’d been criticized for not allowing enough evidence to be let in during the initial hearing in April. With the Appellate Court’s decision hanging over her head, she has announced, “We’re going to have a full blown adversarial hearing. If it takes two to three days, we’re going to do it.”

I have a feeling this case is far from over yet.

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Appealing to the Texas Supreme Court to Save the Children

The Department of Family and Protective Services appealed to the Texas Supreme Court today, bluntly stating that “this case is about adult men commanding sex from underage children; about adult women knowlingly condoning and allowing sexual abuse of underage children.” They asked the Supreme Court of Texas to intervene.

Their petition is nearly 27 pages long and is chock full of fascinating facts: how the mothers refused to identify themselves, and just exactly how many underage girls, pregnant or with babies, they had found. They could establish that girls as young as thirteen were pregnant, proving that men must have sexually abused them at least nine months before. Some FLDS members stated that when a girl begins her period, she is ready for marriage.

The Department’s petition to the Texas Supreme Court said that the appellate court improperly reviewed the evidence of the trial court. The appeals court’s role was simply to determine whether or not a lower court abused its discretion, not to look over the evidence and second-guess the lower court’s decision. The appeals court ruling was highly unusual in that it granted relief in a case that had not yet been decided.

Stay tuned for more developments early next week!

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TX Appellate Court Says “No Dice” on Keeping the Kids – Politics on The Huffington Post

The Third Court of Appeals in Austin, Texas, ruled today that the grounds for seizing over 400 children and putting them in temporary custody with the Texas Department of Family and Protective Services were “legally and factually insufficient” under Texas law. The higher court found that the Department had not, contrary to the requirements of the Code, presented enough evidence of danger to the physical health or safety of the children; especially not to any male children or any female children who had not reached puberty. This ruling only addresses the immediate custody of the children.

What will this mean? Likely, it will occasion the immediate return of the children to their parents. The State of Texas may, nevertheless, continue to pursue the sect for creating unsafe conditions for children, or, for that matter, for polygamy. They may also petition the highest court in Texas to review the decision of the Appellate Court.

As the media continues to carry news on this topic, I hope that both sides of the case will be fairly presented. Willie Jessop, a church elder, and Rod Parker, attorney for the FLDS, have driven the media with their point of view. I’d like to defend the Texas authorities in one problem they have faced in this situation.

Child Protective Services had to revise down the number of underage pregnant girls and underage mothers, finding far fewer than originally claimed. Contrary to FLDS claims of “lying and cheating” by the Department, it was very difficult for Child Protective Services to get a correct count. Initially, the women refused to identify themselves or their children; the women don’t have driver’s licenses; the children call several women “mother”; and the women look much younger than their actual years, most likely a result of diet. After the DNA testing, the mothers became more forthright about the facts, which allowed the department to determine accurate ages.

We are still left with the question why any parent would willingly keep their child in a household where girls are at risk of a forced marriage to some old codger before the age of 16.

In the long run, perhaps young girls (and boys) will be safer in FLDS compounds everywhere in the U.S. now that it is clear that sexual abuse of young girls won’t be tolerated by the State. At least, as an attorney and sexual abuse expert, I hope so.

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From San Angelo Texas

From San Angelo, Texas

Five judges, five separate courtrooms, hundreds of hearings. Beginning today, and lasting for the next three weeks,San Angelo, Texas, is host to the largest custody case in history. What’s at stake? The future of 463 children taken by Texas authorities from the polygamist Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (FLDS) group ranch and placed in foster care. I flew in late last night on a small 50-seater jet that was more than half-filled by media from every national TV station and news outlet. Hotel rooms are at a premium.

When I pulled up in front of the courthouse this morning, it was 100 degrees outside, frosty cold in the overly air-conditioned courthouse. But the heat was on for the 168 mothers and 69 fathers of these children. The sole purpose of the hearings is to review the “family service plan” from Child Protective Services for each child. Is it specific enough so the parents know what they have to do in order to regain custody?

Six-year-old Samuel Jeffs was the subject of the first hearing I attended. It was being tried in the courtroom of State District Judge Barbara Walther. She’s very bright, engaging, clear speaking, and much to the dismay of some of the attorneys for the parents who attempted to sidetrack the proceedings, she doesn’t put up with any bull.

Little Samuel is the son of 34-year-old Sharon Barlow, a petite, almost child-like looking woman, and sect leader Warren Jeffs, who is currently in jail. Jeffs was convicted in Utah of being an accomplice to rape in the marriage of a 14-year-old to her 19-year-old first cousin (the 14-year-old was Elissa Wall, who has just published a book called Stolen Innocence about growing up in the cult). And little Samuel, one of 10 children in state custody who are believed to be the children of Jeffs, has a birth defect that requires a prosthetic leg. Barlow only has this one child, possibly a result of the FLDS belief that birth defects (as well as all disease) indicate wrongdoing. Samuel is being fitted for a new prosthesis by the state of Texas, and set up with a course in physical therapy.

The attorney for the boy’s mother objected to the CPS plan for her to get the boy back, saying it wasn’t clear enough. According to the plan, Barlow must take parenting classes, find a safe living environment, and undergo a psychological

evaluation.

One mother, Barbara Jessop, whose son Sampson was fathered by Merrill Jessop (the husband of Carolyn Jessop, who left the cult and wrote the book, Escape), wouldn’t speak to the court at all because of a pending criminal investigation.

She didn’t want to acknowledge that she had even read the plan, clearly worried that anything she said could be used as evidence against her. Some parents did not object to the plan they were presented with. Cynthia Joy Jessop,

with an infant she was allowed to keep at home, and Richard Samuel Jessop have six children together, and they are trying to get their three older boys together into one foster home in San Antonio. Unlike the others I saw, these parents made eye contact with each other and with the court. They felt they could do the plan.

It’s true the plans are somewhat similar, for good reason. They all involve training in parenting, psychological evaluation, vocational evaluation of the parents, and housing. From there, the “cookie cutter” aspects disappear. As the weeks go on, the plans will become more and more individualized. As the parents implement the services named in the plans, the experts report back and the plan can change.

Some parents claimed surprise at the proceedings, although they’ve had sufficient notice about the public hearings. How could they be surprised by anything? These are members of a cult known for its capricious and arbitrary events. A man can be told to leave his wife and kids and go to another town to “repent,” while his wife is “reassigned” to marry another man, who has to be seen by her kids as their new father.

If a boy shows any indication of wanting to think for himself, he is dumped outside of town by his parents and becomes a non-person, unable to contact his family. Out of the 463 children, 250 are girls and 213 are boys, but there are only 17 boys aged 14 to 17 compared with the 53 girls in that age range. A young teen girl can be told at any time that she will now be married to a man, possibly many times older, who can be a total stranger. More than half the 53 teen girls between the ages of 14 and 17 have children or are pregnant, state officials said. As a spokesman for Child Protective Services said, “It shows you a pretty distinct pattern, that it was pretty pervasive.”

It’s hard to imagine what will happen with these children. Even freed from the possibility of being dumped on the street or married off too young, how will they be freed from the fear of the “outside” world? Fear of the good people of Texas who are trying their best to help them?

With much time, and much kindness.

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Leaving for San Angelo, TX, in the Morning

The Huffington Post

Posted April 21, 2008 | 07:27 PM (EST)

I’m leaving for San Angelo, TX, in the morning. I’ve got to see for myself the mothers in floor length pioneer dresses buttoned up the neck and down the wrist, all wearing the same pattern, their long-handled underwear peeking out, their uncut hair pulled up in a pompadour. I want to ask these young women what could possibly compel them to stand by and watch while their underage daughters are handed over to men old enough to be their grandfathers—men who already have any number of wives and a passel of children. Men who are often close relatives.

What has been pulled over these women’s eyes that they don’t see this as abuse? And what of the family practice that routinely subjects their male children to the “lost boys” fate? How do they feel when their young teenage sons are abducted in the middle of the night, taken out of the compound and dumped on a faraway roadside to fend for themselves? Do they not see this as barbaric? Does it not turn their stomachs the way it turns mine?

No doubt, these women have been subject to systematic victimization. Beaten down and into submission, they fear the patriarch and give up their own mind. They have a detached, eerie quality and all speak in little girl voices with a false sweetness. The fear of God and the patriarch have permanently shut them up. To a woman, these wives and mothers cannot look squarely at the camera. The truth is not to be told—that is the law of the land. When questioned by Larry King if underage girls are forced to marry older men, all the women gave the same stock response: “not that I’m aware of.”

But these women are also perpetrators; complicity is its own form of abuse. Carolyn Jessup is a former cult member and 6th generation polygamist. Refusing to take the complicit route, she took action instead. When she realized that her eldest daughter would be next in line for statutory rape under the guise of marriage she chose to escape. She gathered up her eight children and fled. Interviewed on TV during the custody hearings, she laid it on the line, saying: “Every mother is born with a protective instinct—these mothers know that it’s an unsafe environment.” Thank you, Carolyn for showing us the courage it takes to speak the truth and keep your children safe.

My father sexually abused me from age two until age twelve. Where was my mother? What caused her protective instinct to go belly up? Did she take any action to protect me? She did not, perhaps for the very same reasons the women in Texas don’t protect their own: expedience. Such inaction is, pure and simple, self-serving. A woman gives up her voice and her instinct to save herself, her position in the family and in the community.

The judge made the correct decision when she ruled that the state had enough evidence to justify taking custody of the children pending further investigation. If a mother’s instinct is not intact, a society must act. The safety of children is sacrosanct and must come first.

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Between The Sheets in Texas, and Everywhere

The Huffington Post

Posted April 12, 2008 | 08:59 PM (EST)

There’s a “marriage” bed in a temple with rumpled sheets and a strand of female hair, which may well have belonged to a young girl forced to marry a much older man who probably already has any number of wives. And we’re horrified.

Should we be? Yes.

Should we be surprised? No. Not at all.

Polygamy, sexual relations with young children, and incestuous relations all have long historical roots in patriarchy. Brother/sister, father/daughter, and mother/son relationships were practiced among royalty during the Pharaonic and Ptolemaic periods in ancient Egypt. One well-known sibling spouse was Cleopatra. Ancient Greece elevated the practice of relations with young boys to an art. Going to our Judeo-Christian roots, the Old Testament reveals polygamy was not at all unusual. Abraham, Jacob, Esau, and David all had multiple wives. There was randy King Solomon, with his 700 wives (one of whom was his sister) and 300 concubines. Then there were Lot’s daughters, who each had sex with their father to ensure their lineage.

Later Christianity condoned polygamy at certain times. In 1650, the parliament at Nurnberg said that because so many men were killed in the Thirty Years’ War, every man was allowed to marry up to ten women. In Islam today, polygamy is allowed within the limit that men can only have up to four wives at any one time, as long as they can be equally well supported.

It’s no wonder that polygamy, as well as sex with relatives and young children, is a part of our cellular memory, passed down through the generations, in all cultures and at all levels of the socio-economic spectrum.

The raid on the Fundamentalist Church of Latter Day Saints compound in Eldorado, Texas, while bringing polygamy into media focus, also has the potential, according to ABC News, to “unravel what could be the country’s largest child abuse case in the nation’s history.”

But child abuse is hardly news, or new. It is certainly not only a splinter LDS group that forces young girls to have sexual relations. No one is immune. No child is safe.

The most frequently quoted incidence of childhood sexual abuse in the U.S. is one out of every three girls and one out of every five to seven boys, although it is acknowledged that many many cases are not reported because of secrecy and privacy, and the incidence may actually be at least 60 percent for girls and 45 percent for boys.

I know this all too well. Up until the time I was twelve years old, I was abused by my father, and by a priest at the Catholic school I attended.

I know what it can do to your life. In my case, it led to sexual promiscuity as a teen and young woman, addictions to alcohol and Valium, an eating disorder, and a variety of illnesses and allergies—all common when we’re trying to keep such potent information secret. It was only when I got cancer in my mid-twenties that I stopped running away and started bringing my awareness to the root cause of my difficulties—a long strenuous process that was well worth the effort.

The burden of shame that comes from incest (estimates from 1992 showed 20 million Americans had been the victims of parental incest as children) and childhood sexual abuse in general ruins the lives of both victims and perpetrators.

Those who experience sexual abuse, whether girls or boys, are prone to low self-esteem, trouble with relationships, sexual dysfunction, are three time more likely to suffer from depression, 6 times more likely to have post-traumatic stress disorder, 13 times more likely to abuse alcohol, 26 times more likely to abuse drugs. There is also a far greater risk of suicide.

Not a pretty picture.

The children from the Texas compound were psychologically imprisoned. Their abuse was not confined to sex; they were also beaten, brainwashed to be terrified of the outside world, given little education, and basically treated as possessions. The motto seems to have been that old throwback: Keep ‘em barefoot and pregnant from as early an age as possible. Their entry into the “outside” world will not be easy.

What can we do to bring this scourge out from under the sheets and into awareness? We can stop keeping it so secret. When we begin to expose the truth of what so many of us have experienced, when we develop compassion for both the victims and the perpetrators (who in almost all cases were abused themselves), we can start to heal.

As I crisscross the country, working with thousands of people at events where they share their secrets with me, I know that many of our addictions, our illnesses, and our crimes can be traced to the abuse we suffered as children. How different would our society be if we could remove the trance of shame that keeps childhood sexual abuse under cover? Would women, like those at the compound, stop accepting their place as second class citizens?

Would your daughter or son be safer, grow up happier and healthier?

I’d like to think so.

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