Mirror, mirror

You’re sitting outside on a beautiful summer day, sipping your iced green tea and reading the latest celebrity gossip when some lunkhead trips and spills his double espresso all over your white skirt. You jump up and start screaming at him at the top of your lungs.

Wow! Sure the guy was a clumsy jerk, but where did the depth of your rage come from?

If you really want to know what you’re feeling, look at how you react to someone or some circumstance outside yourself. We project our emotions onto those around us—both in our intimate relationships and with total strangers.

Think about it. How nice are you when a telemarketer calls at dinnertime, or when someone with a thick accent answers your call for technical help with your computer? What’s your automatic reaction when someone cuts you off on the freeway? Do you make nasty comments to the girl behind the counter at the dry cleaner when your favorite silk shirt comes back with stains, as if it were her fault?

Of course, in our daily life, it’s the people we are closest to that act as a mirror to our emotions. We tend to surround ourselves with those people who mirror the problems that we haven’t yet resolved inside ourselves. By seeing ourselves reflected in that mirror, we will eventually see what it is we have to work on. How do you feel when the kids at school bully your child? What do you do when you have a sneaking suspicion your husband is having an affair? How do you feel about caring for your parent with Alzheimer’s?

Basically, we incarnate in order to have relationships, although we may not figure that out till we’re much older. We think we are here to conquer the world, or to save the planet, or to have kids, or to grow pretty flowers in our garden, but it is relationships that are the essential ingredient for our growth and the evolution of our consciousness.

When we choose an intimate partner, in particular, we unconsciously look for somebody who is going to mirror back to us our own unresolved issues—the ones we brought with us from childhood or from previous lifetimes. For example, maybe your father left the family when you were four, or maybe you felt abandoned by your father even though he stayed because he paid zero attention to you; chances are you will pick a partner who brings out that very issue by abandoning you either emotionally or walking out on you physically. You have recreated a situation that mirrors your earlier situation so you can have the chance to heal that wound.

We choose to take on the problems inherent in relationships because, on a soul level, we realize that our interaction with others is the fastest way to become the very highest version of ourselves that we can be. There is nothing like struggling with an aging parent, a rebellious child, a straying spouse, or a demanding boss to bring up all your own issues. And it is that interaction that will move you along on the road to enlightenment.