LOVING YOURSELF

As the romance industry kicks into high gear for Valentine’s Day, are you wishing there was someone who would send you flowers and chocolates and express his or her undying love of wonderful you?

Maybe you’re sitting on your couch at home in front of the TV watching all those gorgeous stars strut around in designer gowns and jewels on the award show circuit, and you’re comparing your body, courtesy of Ben and Jerry, and your life to theirs. You see the winners thank that magnificent love of their lives, the one without whom they never could have won this award, and you sigh over their perceived happiness—which you, of course, will never have. Because you think you’re somehow unlovable.

We are taught by society that our worth as individuals is related to youth, beauty, money, power, romantic relationships, and status. If your self-worth is based on these external factors, you’ll always be stuck with the feeling of “I’m not enough.” The grass will always be greener in someone else’s yard, while your green will be the color of jealousy.

Did you grow up with siblings who were better at everything than you were? Or with parents who belittled your actions or ideas or dreams? Were you teased or bullied at school? Did you think you were somehow unlovable and alone? And did it carry over to your adult life with your business or romantic partners?

Maybe it’s time to get emotionally honest with yourself. To stop numbing your feelings by eating or drinking or shopping too much in order to avoid the discomfort, sadness, and pain. And it’s time to understand what “loving yourself” really means.

Here’s what it doesn’t mean. You are not loving yourself if you are centered purely on yourself and you go after what you want without caring who gets hurt along the way. Self-worth is not something you can buy with a new car or new wardrobe. Loving yourself doesn’t mean being on a constant high and never experiencing sadness or despair or anger or any of the so-called negative emotions.

What it does mean is that you stop berating yourself for who you are not. You stop judging yourself so harshly, and stop the constant criticizing of what you look like and who you are and the life you lead.

It can also mean that you finally divorce or break up with someone who is abusive to you, that you confront someone who has hurt you, that you look for a job that validates your talents, or that you start a recovery program for whatever substance you abuse. It means you understand that feeling your own pain is a major step in healing and that you can cry over the wounds you received in childhood. It may even mean going to therapy or working with an energy healer because you are so unhappy with yourself.

Sometimes it’s easier to believe all the negative things we think about ourselves than it is to appreciate ourselves and believe we are worthy of love. The good news is that when you change the way you think about yourself, the rest will simply fall into place.

One of the best ways to change your thinking about yourself is to learn to trust your instincts and gut reactions. If you’re going to love yourself, it really helps to believe in your Self—in that intuitive inner voice that you’ve probably been ignoring all these years. Your Higher Self is a conduit of pure unconditional love. Tap into that through meditation or prayer or any other method that works for you, and you will know that you are loved no matter what you think is wrong with you. Once you have bathed in the warm glow of unconditional love, which is available to all of us all the time, you will be able to forgive yourself for not being perfect, and you’ll be able to be good to yourself (and to others).

What does all this have to do with a dozen red roses and a heart-shaped box of chocolates? Everything. If you’re busy feeling unlovable and constantly putting yourself down, how attractive is that to someone else? If you’re feeling good about yourself, even though you’re not perfect (and who is?), it won’t matter how you wind up spending Valentine’s Day. It won’t matter if those roses come from a lover or if you ordered them yourself as a special treat for a special person—you.