Yes, it’s that time of year again, when the romance industry bombards you with commercials for
Valentine’s Day, but if you don’t have someone who will send you flowers and chocolates or take you on a romantic sunset cruise, you may not be enjoying this week very much.
Maybe you’re sitting on your couch at home in front of the TV watching all those gorgeous stars strut around in designer gowns and jewels on the award show circuit, and you’re comparing your body—without the help of personal trainers and home chefs—to theirs, and your life—not rich or glamorous—to theirs. You see the winners thank the magnificent love of their lives, the one without whom they never could have won this award, and you sigh over their perceived happiness—which you, in your not-even-designer bathrobe, believe you will never have, because you’ve decided that you are somehow utterly unlovable. But that belief is so wrong! You are more loveable than you know, and can become more loveable to others with a little shift in perspective.
Society teaches that your worth as a person, as a human being, is based on youth, beauty, money, power, romantic relationships, and status. After years of internalizing these messages, you may feel that your self-worth truly is based on these external factors, and when you don’t have all of them—because, honestly, who does?—you will constantly feel as if you are not good enough; as if your body and soul are not enough for you to deserve love and happiness, while everyone around you seems to have met their perfect match. With this perspective, you’ll find that the grass will always be greener in someone else’s yard, and the major source of green in your life will be envy.
Perhaps envy is not new to you. Did you grow up with siblings who were better at everything than you were? Or with parents who belittled your actions or ideas or dreams? Were you teased or bullied at school? Did your friends have all the things you didn’t? Did you think you were somehow unlovable and alone? And did all these slights carry over into your adult life with your business or romantic partners? Sometimes it’s easier to believe all the negative things you think about yourself than to appreciate yourself and believe you are worthy of love. As a spiritual teacher and energy healer who deals with thousands of broken hearts I can tell you the good news is that when you change the way you think about and treat yourself, the rest will simply fall into place.
So it’s time to get emotionally honest with yourself. If your relationships have not been turning out the way you wish, maybe it is you—but not that you’re unlovable. Maybe you seem unlovable because you are not loved by the most important person in your life: you.
But what exactly does it mean to love yourself? Here’s what it doesn’t mean. Loving yourself does not mean that you will be forever happy and never experience sadness or despair or anger again. It doesn’t mean that you act like you are better than everyone else. You are not loving yourself if you become so self-centered that you go after what you want without caring who gets hurt along the way. Acting out of ego is not the same as loving yourself; ego is false love, and satisfying the ego with status or money, a new car or a fancy wardrobe, is never going to nurture your soul. Self-worth cannot be bought or forced, it must be earned with patience, kindness, and getting in touch with your true emotions.
What loving yourself does mean is that you stop berating yourself for who you are not. You stop judging yourself so harshly, and stop the constant criticizing of what you look like, who you are, and the life you lead. Loving yourself means living your truth, which of course means you have to first find your truth, which can be done with energy medicine or energy healing courses and workshops. When you finally accept yourself, you understand that feeling your own pain is a major step in healing, and that it is good work to cry and process that pain in order to move on. Journaling, meditation, and other techniques that help to clear your body and chakras of negative energy can also help you move toward discovering and loving the real you.
When you love yourself, you also realize that it’s time to sever any damaging relationships. You gain the strength to finally divorce or break up with someone who is abusive to you, or confront someone who has hurt you, or look for a job that validates your talents, or start a recovery program for whatever substance you might be abusing. When you love yourself, you also become better at trusting your instincts, so there will be fewer of those negative relationships and unsatisfying jobs in the future.
Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be about red roses and heart-shaped boxes of candy—it can be about getting to know yourself so you can learn to love yourself. As long as you continue to berate yourself for not being perfect even though no one is perfect; as long as you spend your time being convinced you are unlovable; as long as you feel that you are not good enough, you will never find love outside yourself because it has to first exist within you.